A couple weeks ago I tweeted "I can't wait to leave LA." I was probably upset because of the terrible LA traffic but I regretted it instantly so I deleted the tweet.
Moving across the country didn’t feel like the most difficult thing I would have to do until I did it- again. It hurt more than my first heartbreak and if you've gotten your heart broken before, you know it hurts. Stomach hurts, legs feel weak, throat clogs up, tears stream down your face nonstop.
My pain is triggered by different things:
1. I have left my family behind during the time they need me the most. I sometimes feel as If I am running away and then I am reminded I am here for them.
2. Dear Southside. We are just getting started. This is our beginning. I'm so far away from my community. This is for you. We are going digital. www.Dearsouthside.com.
3. Time. I have such a difficult relationship with time. I wanted more time. More time to love. More time to give. More time to be. More time.
4. Unfinished business. I'll be back, I'll be better, but we aren't done. I have unfinished business.
5. HOW THE FUCK AM I PAYING FOR MY TUITION? Stay tuned, I'm figuring it out.
6. I will never have enough time to prepare to move across the country and leave everything I know behind. Nothing or no one can prepare you to be uncomfortable.
Leaving felt so unfamiliar this time. The car ride to the airport felt longer. The walk out of my room felt strange. I left something in there behind that can't be replaced anywhere. I hugged my dog harder this time. I left things on my chair piled up as if I'm returning later this week to put them away. I looked back at my house, my block, my neighborhood with sadness because it will not be the same when I come back. That was a definite goodbye. Unlike my first time leaving South Central, this time around I'm more aware of how sudden things change. I'm aware of how time waits for no one. Again, this difficult relationship with time.
I am homesick. I cried more today than I've cried all year and that's A LOT but I won't let you down. I won't let the sacrifices of my family go to waste. I have a responsibility to make it for everyone who is rooting for me and believe in me. Mostly, a responsibility for my community.
After my last heartbreak, I bounced back stronger, wiser, and I was glowing. My bounce back from this transition will be the same.
Thank you for joining me on this journey. See you later LA.
Hi New York, treat me kindly.
I don't have my mom to help me anymore.