Identity in two different places –

Los Angeles self: 323 girl, 90044 raised, she’s outgoing, outspoken, an extrovert.

New York self: 11213, Crown Heights, confused, listener, quiet, she’s different, she’s an introvert.

Learning to adapt to both, to use both, to be both at all times and balance myself in spaces that were once familiar but are now unknown. I felt different in Los Angeles. I missed New York. I missed my independence and solitude. I miss being away even though New York means confusion, depression and emptiness – but I’m learning about myself through these feelings. Los Angeles Estefani would had never acknowledged these feelings, she would had continued overworking herself until she hit rock bottom. New York Estefani is fighting to get out of the house everyday, some days to even leave the room. She’s seeking help, asking for help, and confronting every feeling holding her down. She’s allowing the feelings to inspire her to turn darkness into light a day at a time. It’s not easy but this is all to tell you that sometimes we might look like we are ok and are not. It’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to ask for help and it’s ok to seek it professionally. Moving across the country was never easy for me, my journey here hasn’t been either. I am fighting to survive and I continue reminding myself what brought me here in the first place. I am accepting the journey for what it is and not for what I want it to be. It is not the paved road I wish it was, it has potholes. Those potholes sometimes cause damages like the pothole that damaged my tire right before I departed Los Angeles. The potholes here in New York are also out of my control but what is in my control is what I make out of this journey…

Don’t be afraid to look for help. I am doing that for myself, shamelessly.

11213: Eucalyptus showers are said to help with stress, they also smell good. I keep eucalyptus hanging in my shower.

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90044: Bike rides through the hood; home.

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